-“Are you not risking your relationship’s integrity when, as a couple, you embark on sexual exploration? Say, visit a swingers club?’-
We get these kind of questions often from readers and friends. They are, indeed, very pertinent questions but our answer is always a definite “No”. Of course, like any other adventure that you embark on with your partner, it can be detrimental if your relationship cannot take it. A long holiday, a common investment or even simply having children can break a relationship if there isn’t sufficient communication and no ground-rules have been set. Sexual adventures are no different.
Here we share with you our own experience on how to visit a swingers club without risking your relationship.
1. Talk, talk, talk and fantasise together
Use your sexual space to communicate about your fantasy. Talk about it while you are having sex and afterwards, while you are in each other’s arms. How do you imagine the experience to be? What would you like to do once there? Do you imagine your partner kissing another man/woman to please you? What are the limits? Talk details, don’t just stay on the surface of things. In short, project yourself into the situation.
2. Plan together
The ‘together’ here is not optional. Don’t do all the research on your own, leaving your partner behind. Make sure you both look up the clubs online and then share the swingers clubs that you like with each other. Even better, do the research together, ensconced in a sofa. It not only ensures that you don’t drift apart in your research but it also bonds you further. It is after all a common project!
3. Never, EVER, impose anything on each other
This is a golden rule. Your common sexual space should allow both of you to express your thoughts and fantasies. However, that does not mean that your partner has to do everything you want and vice-versa. You can discuss and find what the common ground is. And, like in everything else in your relationship, be prepared to drop your idea if you see that for your partner it is a no-go. And this should apply at any point in time. Even once you are on the spot!
4. At the swingers club always stick together
Once inside a club, Aliki and I always stay together. We know couples who go their separate ways, having fun independently and then catching up every now and then. It might truly work for others and each couple has to find what works best for it. But it is not our style. The main reason why we visit swingers clubs is to enhance the sexual bond between us, and therefore we always do things together as a couple. Everything and everybody else around us is a prop and serves that purpose and that purpose only.
5. Agree on a “Thumbs up” signal
We love diving. When you are underwater and you cannot communicate properly, the ‘thumbs up’ sign is a sure way of signalling ‘I need to surface’. Once you stick your thumb out there is only one outcome possible: you surface and your partner follows -no questions asked. We apply the same principle at a swingers club. The moment one of us, for any reason whatsoever, wants to get away from a situation, the other follows. No argument. No hard feelings. There will be time -and we suggest you make time- to talk later.
6. Only do what your partner tells you
Having sex next to other people in a swingers club will inevitably lead to some interaction. What kind of interactions are or aren’t allowed depends on each couple and we suggest discussing this before (in point 1). However, Aliki and I have set a ground rule to ensure that none of us does anything that might upset the other: we only do what the other tells us to. There were moments when I felt comfortable that Aliki engages with another man and I asked her to do so. There were moments when I didn’t. The same for her. It makes things more exciting and we both feel safer.
7. Check on each other regularly
Even if you abide by the always-stick-together rule, the moment there are other people involved do keep eye contact as much as possible. Eye contact keeps you together. It shows your partner that she or he is the focus of your excitement, and it also allows you to quickly detect if your partner feels uncomfortable in any way.
8. …and then talk some more
Once home or over the next days, talk about your experience. Coming back from a swingers club is usually the moment our libido are at its highest. We often find ourselves musing about our experiences at a swingers club even months later. What did you find sexy? What would you like to repeat and what not? Did anything make you feel jealous? Just as in point one, talk details and make sure to allow each other the possibility to express everything, even negative feelings if there are any.
Following these simple rules, Aliki and I have actually realised that visiting a swingers club has made our relationship even stronger. Our communication and our attention to each other have deepened, our sexual space has flourished and our desire for each other is burning stronger than ever. As a bonus it has given us plenty of material to fantasise about!
Enjoy you your swingers club experience and please do tell us about it!