10 questions about the swinging lifestyle you always wanted to ask but never dared
Interested in swinging? You’re sure to have questions you’d like an answer to before taking your first step. These are 10 questions on the swinging Lifestyle answered by swingers.
Aliki and I certainly wished we could do so before we had our first swingers experience. Not that anything went particularly wrong for us when entering the swinging lifestyle. But it would have saved us some trial and error. So, in the hope that we may be of service…
Here are 10 questions about the swinging lifestyle that always wanted to ask but never dared
1. How do I tell my partner I would like us to go to a swingers’ club?
This is broader than just talking to your partner about swinging.
Do you talk openly with your partner about your sexual fantasies? Do they share their most intimate desires with you?
If you do, then it should be a small step to express your wish about visiting a swingers’ club. It is just another fantasy that you are sharing.
If you don’t we suggest that you start working on building your sexual space as a couple. A functional sexual space allows you to express yourself without vexing each other. Your partner will either take you up on your suggestion or simply say ‘thank you, but I’m not ready yet…’ No harm done!
Building a sexual space takes time, but that doesn’t mean that you have to wait years before breaching the subject of visiting swingers clubs.
Here are some suggestions to help you talk to your partner about swinging lifestyle:
- Have confidence in yourself. You know your partner better than anyone else
- Choose the right moment. If your partner just had a lousy day it might not be a good time.
- Do it while you are already in a moment of intimacy: during sex, while cuddling etc.
- Be gentle. Don’t frame it as ‘Do you want..’ More like… ‘ Do you think…’
- Make it clear you can accept no for an answer.
~ If you want to know more, you read about talking to your partner about sex, and building your sexual space.
2. How do we choose our first swinging experience?
The most important piece of advice here is: make sure that visiting a swingers club becomes a joint project.
Before jumping on the net and typing ‘hottest swingers’ joint in town’, listen to your partner. How has she reacted to your proposal? Is he showing enthusiasm? Is she going along grudgingly?
Once you are confident that you know how they feel about your suggestion, make sure to talk details. It doesn’t have to be on the same day.
There is no single way to experience swinging for the first time. Depending on your background or how you stumbled across the swinging Lifestyle, you may opt for a different option.
You can choose to start swinging by visiting a club, by going to a private sex party or by reaching out to a couple who has experience. Each has its pros and cons and you can read more about them here.
Whatever you do, do it together. Swinging is a way of getting closer to each other.
Here are some suggestions to help you choose your first swinging experience:
- Talk about what both you and your partner would like.
- If you’re worried about anonymity choose a different city, state or country.
- Match your choice with your level of experience.
- If you know someone who’s into swinging talk to them.
- Be relaxed. No one will ever force you into anything.
~If you want to know more, you read about how to choose your first swinging experience.
3. What should I check out before we go to a swingers’ club?
It is always wise to verify in advance the rules of the venue or party that you’re visiting.
Most swingers clubs have a website which clearly states their house rules. Many of them are standard for all clubs. Some, however, differ.
This is especially true when it comes to dress code. Some clubs require formal wear only, others are more tolerant. Code is not only limited to clothes, though.
Your club may insist on a cut-off time by which you should turn up, or it may have an open-door policy. And if you are somebody who cannot part their mouth from a cigarette filter for more than a heartbeat, it may be worth checking the smoking policy.
Many clubs also organise themed evenings. Some of these events may be exclusive for couples, while others are open for singles too. This may depend on which day of the week you are visiting.
Do you find this daunting? Don’t be discouraged!
Here is a checklist of the essential things you should know about the club you are visiting:
- What is the clubs’ address?
- What are the entry conditions?
- Do you have to register in advance?
- What is the dress code?
- What’s on on the date that you have chosen?
4. How much does it cost to visit a swingers’ club?
There are probably as many different entry fees as there are swingers clubs in the world. However, there are a few rules of thumb to follow.
As in many other instances in life, you pay for what you get. If your local village swingers club charges EUR 10 per couple, do not expect to be treated to free-flowing champaign and impromptu butt massages.
The more exclusive clubs tend to have more select patronage, better facilities and, of course, pricier entry fees. This also depends on the city that you are in. Yes, real estate plays its part in the swinging Lifestyle too!
To have the ultimate swinging experience, though, you don’t have to sell a testicle. Most of the good clubs have decent entry fees. Check out some of the clubs we have visited and reviewed to get an idea.
Some Lifestyle clubs charge for a yearly membership on top of the nights’ entry fee. Others charge only the door fee for the evening.
Since many clubs organise special themed nights, it could also be that prices differ for special events. Be sure to check out what’s on.
What the entry price includes varies as well. In many European clubs, the door fee gives you access to food and free booze. Quality and quantity vary greatly.
In the end, it really depends on your expectations. For your first experience, we suggest choosing a club with a sound reputation and good facilities.
~ If you want to know more read our swinger clubs reviews.
5. Am I too old to go to a swingers’ club?
Most definitely not. Even if you’re 80. I’m serious, I have seen an octogenarian in a swingers club living the swinging Lifestyle!
Aliki and I had our anxieties before we took the first step. Even if we were in our late 30s when we started, we were keenly aware that our bodies no longer took kindly to hangovers and debauchery.
I remember thinking that couples that dare show themselves naked must certainly all be Angelina Jolies and Brad Pit -or whomever she’s dating now- look-alikes.
Well, no. Lifestyle couples are ordinary people like you and me. They come in all colours, shapes and sizes.
In fact, people in the Lifestyle are probably the least racist, xenophobic and discriminating of all humanity! Bodies are beautiful and sex if good. Who cares about colour, gender or creed!
Some time ago, we ran a little survey on our twitter account on this. It turned out that the majority of our readers (and swingers) are in their 40s, followed by those in their 50s. As for 60plussers, I reckon they are just possibly less active on Twitter…
Whatever your age, don’t let it stop you from taking the plunge. Whatever you think you may lack in tautness, you will more than make up for with experience and style.
~ If you want to know more read Am I too old to start swinging?.
6. What should I wear at a swingers’ club?
Clothes are hardly crucial in a club where you expect to be naked most of the time, right? Wrong! Your attire is part of your sex appeal, underwear included.
There are no fast and hard rules as to what you should wear at swingers’ club. But it is good to be aware of a few things.
First of all, check the dress code of the club you are visiting. Some clubs require shirts or even more formal wear, like dresses and blazers. You don’t want to be turned away at the door.
If there is no indication of what you should wear, think of a Lifestyle club it as any other club. You don’t want to be over the top, but you don’t want to be a wallflower either.
The great thing with going out to a swingers club is that you know for sure that you’re going to get laid! Which means, do not leave your choice of underwear to fate.
Choose flattering underwear which is also practical to take off and put on. The last thing you want is to decline sex because you cannot possibly take your corset off in less than an hour.
And, men, please, no white socks!
Here are some do’s and don’ts of choosing your attire for swinging Lifestyle clubs:
- Check what the theme for the night is, if any.
- Be yourself and choose comfortable attire.
- If in doubt go for sexy but not flashy.
- Underwear should be sexy but practical.
- Seriously, no white socks!
~ If you want to know more read What to put in your bag, What to wear at a swingers club for women and A male dress code for swingers clubs
7. What is the swingers club etiquette?
The main rule in the swinging Lifestyle is that of showing respect. You always ask before engaging with someone and no means no.
Ok, sometimes you cannot just walk up to a cavorting couple, tap on their shoulder and ask for permission. If you make a move and the others show disinterest, do not insist.
Don’t take it personally either. Some couples prefer to stick to each other or to people that they already know. It is nothing to do with you.
Kissing or fondling somebody does not mean that you are going to engage in penetrative sex. Not all swingers are into full swapping the other person may simply not be in the mood. You will know either because they make it clear to you in advance or by their behaviour.
If full sex is on the menu, make sure to use a condom. Some clubs provide free condoms in the playrooms, others ask you to bring your own. And if you have forgotten yours, don’t despair, many places have them for sale too.
Respect also includes personal hygiene. Sweaty armpits and unwashed genitals are not exactly conducive to hot sex.
In the end, it is all pretty common sense really. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.
Here is are the basic etiquette for swingers clubs:
- Take care of your personal hygiene.
- Too hairy can be scary.
- Do not take penetration for granted and always use a condom.
- No means no, whether it is spelled out or implied.
- Treat others as you want to be treated.
8. If I go to a swingers club, am I expected to have sex with others?
No. In fact, you are not expected to do anything at all.
You can go to the club just to have a look around. Or you may decide to go and have sex only with your partner. Guess what? No one will chuck you out!
This is one of the reasons why many don’t use the term swingers’ club anymore but prefer Lifestyle clubs. The Lifestyle encompasses many other behaviours, including exhibitionism or voyeurism.
If this is a bit confusing, familiarise yourself with swinging terminology.
We strongly advise you to establish some guidelines with your partner before going to a Lifestyle club. However, you do not necessarily have to decide in advance on whether or not to have full sex.
Often, Aliki and I decide on the spot. It depends on our mood, the company available and the general atmosphere of the place. We do, however, have a clear set of house rules we abide by.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that swingers are generally very respectful people. Make your wishes clear and they will be respected.
~ If you want to know more read Setting ground rules in sexual exploration and Are you a swinger?
9. Can I go to a swingers’ club anonymously?
We understand the need for privacy, especially in the beginning. Your sexual preferences are part and parcel of your intimate sphere and you may prefer to keep it that way.
In many clubs, unless you look (or are) very young, you are not asked for any identity card or passport. In this case, you may easily go incognito.
An increasing number of clubs, however, especially the upmarket ones, require you to register, either in advance or on the spot. At times, they may ask you to confirm your identity with an official document.
Clubs that require identification mostly do so for security reasons. They want to know who they have on their premisses.
This information is not typically made public and in Europe, it is governed by strict personal data legislation.
However, divulging personal information is never 100% secure. Databases may be hacked and information may be accidentally shared.
If you absolutely want to keep your anonymity, we advise you to choose a club that does not require registration.
Keep in mind, however, that living a sexually liberated life is not a crime. While you do not have to flaunt your sexual preference everywhere you go, you do not need to hide it either.
Being your true sexual self is very liberating.
10. Are swingers’ clubs seedy places?
Some of them are. We have been to places where we didn’t even dare take off our shoes. The majority, however, are not.
At a certain level, seediness is very much a question of subjectivity. For some, red leather sofas may be kitsch, while for others they’re a kick. You may be turned on by a dungeon or you may find it downright scary.
Many clubs, for example, have a common changing room for patrons. Some of our readers have told us about their dislike for this practice.
As a rule of thumb, the more exclusive a club or a Lifestyle event is, the more sophisticated it is. A Killing Kittens party we attended in Amsterdam, impressed us with its level of entertainment and quality of the venue. We were equally inspired by Flirt II club in Rome, and it’s level of sophistication.
Take the risk but choose wisely your first experience in swinging Lifestyle.
Your first visit a swingers club is going to involve some risk-taking. You have no prior experience and, most probably, you have nothing to compare to.
Don’t worry and don’t stress. It is normal that when you venture into something new, it takes some trial and error before you find what suits your tastes most.
Don’t let this discourage you. It is part of the fun. Aliki and I have some fond memories of the laughing fits that we have had.
The best you can do is to do your research well, do it together and enjoy the process. And make sure that both of you are in agreement on the rules.
Other than that, simply go forth and… have fun!
Photo credit: Pexels.com; Pixabay.com
