BDSM for beginners | Interview with a Dominatrix
A peak into the world of a professional Dominatrix. Are you an absolute beginner but still tempted by BDSM? Read Aliki’s interview with Mistress Jill
Dominatrix, Domme, Pro-domme, Femdom, Mistress, Domina, Herrin, Goddess. Submissive, slave, masochist, rope bunny, patient, sissy, slut, fetishist. A plethora of semi-obscure terms for us and possibly also for lots of you who are not into BSDM.
Recently Xander and I decided to fill in this gap in our sexual experience. After a short online research, we chose Jill’s cellar. It was to be our first contact with a professional dominatrix. Xander was to try Jill’s experienced hands for an hour -a recommended time span for a first visit. A baptism of fire? Not at all. Mistress Jill turned out to be a warm, approachable person, friendly as much as professional and skilful.
“BDSM is no fast-food that you can order quickly by SMS”
On BDSM and the Internet
Jill’s Cellar
We met Mistress Jill in her Cellar in Antwerp. Did you just picture a sordid dungeon in a dodgy area? I will have to stop you right there. Jill’s cellar is settled in a regular house in a private cul de sac in a residential area, combining the necessary seclusion with a sense of security and discretion.
Jill welcomed us with a wide smile and a bottle of water wearing high heels and a leather waspie. As the door of her cellar silently closed behind us we found ourselves in a stylish double room area, with too many accessories and equipment to process all at once. I would have been intimidated if it hadn’t been for Jill’s unpretentious and hearty chatting with me. I sat on the soft bench close to the wall and she placed herself on a black leather stool in front of me. I had many questions buzzing in my ears and Jill was ready to answer them all.
Aliki interviews professional Dominatrix, Mistress Jill, on BDSM
How long have you been working as a Dominatrix? Is this something you do full-time or do you have a day job?
I do it full-time! This is my job and I am very proud of it! I started professionally 25 years ago when an experienced Dominatrix saw me playing at a party. It so happened that at the time she was looking for a fellow Mistress to assist her. She saw my flair for it and asked me to join her on the spot.
It was a tough decision. The three months it took me to quit my previous job and start-up as a professional Dominatrix were nerve-racking and I was very anxious during my first paid sessions. It’s an entirely different thing to be playing around at parties and to suddenly find yourself at the same level as experienced Mistresses. Luckily, my slaves liked my particular style and my insecurity dissipated quickly.
I have developed my personal style since then. If I could take a look now at how I was working back then, I am sure I would laugh out and be embarrassed by my amateurism. You see, I am an autodidact. Then again, we all were in 80ies and 90ies.
I’ve never regretted my decision to become a professional Mistress though. If I could turn back time, I would still make the same choice. It’s my dream job!
“WONDER. DREAM. CRAVE. SHIVER. DESIRE. ENJOY.“
Mistress Jills’s credo
After all these years, does it still thrill you to be a Dominatrix?
I enjoy it more than ever!
I am a person with a vivid imagination and I can be very creative and nifty with my hands. I am always on the lookout for new possibilities and I am pretty restless when it comes to my professional evolution. I am not the type to rest on my laurels. But that’s what makes it so much fun for me. For the past years, for instance, I have been following advanced courses in Shibari. I can tell you, it’s something that demands a lot of effort and devotion if you want to take it to an advanced level. And there are so many domains to delve into, a Mistress could get lost. I prefer to stay authentic and specialize in my true passions.
Apart from the technical aspect though -fascinating as it might be – it’s a job that brings you in contact with people. My main aim is to make meaningful connections and to mean something for my slaves. I have a great deal of empathy and like listening to people. These are all elements I need for my work as a Mistress.
Shibari or Kinbaku -the more accurate Japanese term
Are you generally dominant in your relationships? Or are you someone different in real life?
This is real life, Aliki. This, my cellar, the people who visit me and what I do for them is my real life. I am not somebody different in here than out on the street or with my friends and family.
And I don’t consider myself dominant. I just listen to what people want and give them what they need. Surrender. Warmth and connection. The need for pain which I understand and turn into a safe and responsible play. It might seem like a paradox but I am a people pleaser. I am not a sadist. Nor am I here to satisfy myself and appease any complex of mine. It’s all about what my slaves want, what they need. It’s about them, not me.
Mind you, not every Dominatrix has the same attitude. There are some women who do this to process their own traumas. I find this irresponsible and unpleasant, if not outright dangerous. Such people never last long in the profession though. You see, in their case, it’s always about them. It’s inevitable that after a while, they tire and drop out. There’s nothing new in it for them because they don’t really connect with others. Trust me, you don’t want a Mistress like this!
“I am an autodidact. We all were in 80ies and 90ies.”
On becoming a pro-domme
Coming to it, Jill, explain this to me: why do people choose to visit a Dominatrix to start with?
Because they need to, Aliki. It’s something they need. As simple as that. Like a good therapy session that leaves them more balanced and in peace with themselves afterwards. They let off the steam and then they can go back to their lives happier. More complete. Being better professionals and better partners. They just need these couple of hours for themselves in an environment where they can be someone different and experience something new.
Do people keep their visits to you mostly private? Or do they share it with their partners?
I usually advise my slaves against sharing with their partners. At the end of the day, BDSM is not cheating! It’s something you need to load your batteries, to be in better harmony with yourself. Why upset your partner and cause them grief and confusion about something you do only sporadically. It’s not given that they will understand what this means to you. It’s better to get what you need from your sessions and then go on and be a more solid partner to them afterwards.
That said, there are some cases where BDSM is so important to you that you need it on a weekly basis. I am talking about men who need to cross-dress and keep an extensive collection of dildo’s at home with which they exercise regularly. They spend their lives in agony, hiding and worrying about being discovered. In these cases, I believe it’s better to open up and stop living in a lie. Whatever the consequences are.
And then, of course, these last years I see more and more couples who come to me together. The woman usually watches while I play with the man, but the opposite happens regularly too. BDSM has become something you can discuss with your partner. There is more openness around it. I would have never dared hope that when I started. Or that I’d have single women coming to play with me either. It’s a thrilling evolution and one we have to thank the Internet for.
“I am not dominant. I listen to what people want and give them what they need.”
On being a responsible Dominatrix
Do you share what you do with your friends and family?
I believe in privacy. I think that nowadays sharing is seriously overrated. Would you share it with your friends and family and colleagues if you’d enjoy being fingered by your wife during sex? What do they care about what you do in bed? Why would they want to know? You can do what you want to do, but you don’t have to be loud about it!
In the same spirit, no, I don’t share my job with everybody around me. My partners have always known; I don’t think you can be in a meaningful relationship without sharing such a large part of your everyday reality. Not from the first date on, of course. But whenever things have gotten more serious, I’ve always chosen to talk about it.
As for my family, some of them aware of it. Among other things, also for safety reasons. I am happy like that. It works well for me.
Is there something you don’t do during your sessions?
Drugs and any form of intoxication. Solitary confinement. I would never forgive myself if anything would go wrong. I don’t do exhibitionism either. I understand the thrill of it, but I don’t think it’s responsible to risk being caught by unaware citizens or children.
What else? Utter verbal abuse. Small Penis Humiliation, FinDom, Blackmail. There are men who ask for this. But I keep having the uneasy feeling that some men are being exploited and abused this way. This form of domination is the exact opposite of my vision. To me BDSM is physical and it implies the respectful interaction of two human beings. I need this physical aspect. I don’t do webcams or telephone sessions where I dominate someone only with my mind. It would feel incomplete.
In her 30-year career Mistress Jill has developed a sixth sense when it comes to recognizing people’s needs and desires.
How do you organize a first BDSM meeting with someone?
By the first time I meet someone new, we will typically have exchanged some emails and taken the time to get to know each other a bit. Only if I am satisfied that there is enthusiasm and good spirit from both sides, do I proceed with setting up a meeting. BDSM is no fast-food that you can order quickly by SMS.
I take plenty of time to meet every new slave and genuinely listen to his needs and wishes. This is an important step of the process -I never skip it. I have a great deal of empathy and am a good judge of characters. This allows me to easily tune into someone’s particular desires.
That said, I admit I still get regularly surprised by how some sessions turn out. Sometimes very social people with a pronounced and self-assured attitude become very introverted during the session while others, seemingly timid and quiet, develop a more flamboyant persona and open up completely on an emotional level. It’s mind-blowing!
Photo credit: Mistress Jill & Fabrice de Bray (Shibari)
